心里的一颗石头，未了的心愿

第一刹那，在巴士站，深深地陷入了你会说话的眼睛

那泛着光又诚恳的眼神

如同告诉了我你所有的故事
好像能从你褐色的眼睛里看见了你从小到现在的故事
好像我们认识了很久一样

第一次对任何人有这种感觉

可是，一如往常懦弱的我

好想坐在你旁边

却选了你前面的座位

就这样错过了谈天的机会

后来好一段日子都没有接触

好朋友都有跟你同组 assignment

我却因为自己的原则而与友族同胞们一起

也因为忙活动而不把这事儿当一回事

（也许是我把忙当懦弱的借口）

直接过了大学三年

时间跳到了第四年

终于机会又来了！

选了一科极少数人拿的科目

你却刚好也一起选了！

可是你怎么坐得那么高那么远呢？

我选了中间的位置，一个人坐

也许如果坐在你旁边，我不会常常在课堂上睡觉。。

虽然拿到了你的电话号码

但是也只能哪天课堂取消时传讯息给你

懦弱的我

毕业晚会前

大家开开心心地练习跳舞

我那该死的害羞和懦弱

没有与异性练习

结果你伸出了手，问我要不要一起练习

我那一刻真该不假思索地立刻马上牵起你的手

（现在心里满满的后悔，虽然真不想承认后悔了）

好喜欢你

但你对我的感觉又是如何呢？

普通系友吗？

对我的印象如何？

书呆子？假正义？

还是也和我一样，在那第一刹那时，也被我眼睛迷住了？

毕业典礼后

当大家忙着拍照

有一股冲动把你拉到一旁

告诉你我的喜欢

就算你也有同感也好，或只是点点头也罢

至少我没有遗憾

但是这些终归脑海里的排演。。

毕业后大家各奔他乡

开始了职业生涯

一开始有股冲动

向你写信倾诉一切

但也终归想象

终于有个借口

让我联络你询问一些东西

但你普通地回答

也没多聊

我该把这当成 “你只是把我当普通朋友” 的提示吗

现在我们毕业两年了

这件事还是在我心里

一个搬不走的石头

这是我自己想象的喜欢吗？
是我自己的幻觉吗 ？
我自认根本不了解你
但通过几次聊天，也欣赏你对事情有自己的看法
别人说你邋遢，但那时候的我肯定比你更邋遢
看似稳重也有安全感

或许若不行动，我将错过了我的 soulmate 呢？

就算一见钟情不一定能走远

但至少曾经开始过

我该。。踏出那一步吗？
做不成情人，我们可以当朋友或笔友吗？

我该把这文寄给你吗

还是就让它默默地在这部落格里越埋越深？

我该突破自己，果断地做心里想做的事吗

还是一如往常懦弱的等，等待所谓的缘分？

（但心里清楚这是逃避，这是懦弱）

我该活在现在

做一个随心所欲的人

还是

就让它埋在过去

变成老来后悔的事呢

但是又好害怕知道答案。。。 

还是该厚着脸皮闯一闯呢？

First 3 days...

I'm finally here, started working in an NGO. Well, the first 2 days, I really missed my ex-colleagues. Suddenly I was doubting myself, why had I left my old company, these are the hardships that I have cast upon myself. New environment, new system, new colleagues. The third day is better, because I know I will be seeing some of my ex-colleagues after work for karaoke session. Not sure about the coming days... Hope all is well...

Actually, it is just like working in a corporation. Maybe because I don't know the job scopes of other departments yet. But these 3 days made me come to reality that work is just work, we work to earn money to keep living. I finally understand why as we grow up, instead of colourful individuals, everyone starts to become the same colour. We started to see that dreams are nothing compare to making a living.

But is this what I want to become? Retaining my true self is hard, but I must try not to lose it. There are a few things that maybe I can suggest to them, such as recycling the stapler bullets, using recycled paper for labeling. Yes, I must do it! Hoping to be myself instead of conforming to the system. Some of my friends are doing things that they like, persevering in things that they believe in, I should look up to their bravery and confidence. I can do it too!!!

DeeJay 加油，加油，加油！！！

勿忘初心！！<3

Working for an NGO?

Just now before signing in, I was looking at my previous post. Coincidently, the last sentence is about working for an NGO!

Well, this post is the sequel!

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So, I have applied and interviewed for a job in NGO, but maybe at that time of application, I might not have made up my mind fully to accept the job if I get the offer. I was thinking, just try for it, and if I don't get it, I can stay at my current job. It's just as if to satisfy myself that I have tried to achieve what I want.

However, I got it! Now, here comes all the conflict.

Many people advise me not to take this road, that it has no future in terms of career progression and also money. There are also people saying that volunteering for the NGO and actually working for it is a different thing. I might see and know things that I don't like.

Well, it's hard to stay firm to my decision. I have to keep reminding myself of my initial intention of working for an NGO. Besides the sense of purpose, there is also transport factor, I would like to be independent and have authority in managing my own life, instead of needing to accommodate with the whole family regarding the schedules every day. And I also admire those who work passionately in their job, even though their job is not something big (example: the guy at Restoran Wah Chai - he runs around, serving all customers, and even remembers what is your preference of sauces).

My ambition may not be that big, so it's hard convincing other people about it. I understand that people will always aim for higher, and it's kind of our responsibility to make our parents proud. But... Sometimes, it is hard to convince my own heart.

But the future is unpredictable. I might not like the organisation at all. I might just jump out from it later. But I tell myself that at least I can get to see the operation of an NGO, and gain some communication skills while working in an international environment. Maybe, I will get to have other job scopes, and the annual increment is not so bad? However, all these reasons may not be solid enough to others.

Why must everyone have the thinking that you have to move to a higher position with better pay? It's hard to go against the norm of the society...

But since I have tendered my resignation letter, it is like a one-way ticket for me. I know I can still say no to the new company and stay in my current one, but I'm not the kind who break promises. Anyhow, since things have progressed until here, just go on with it. Who knows, it might bring something good to me. Believing in the law of attraction, I really landed a job with an NGO; Maybe with my goal of working happily and contributing in an NGO, it can really happen to me in the future.

Let's wait for the next sequel after I have started working in the NGO!

I'm the real me

Yeah, I'm slow to warm up to people.
Seeing others who can talk naturally with people, who always can bring up topic when with strangers, I envy them. Meanwhile, I am wary with strangers and usually don't reveal myself much. By strangers, it can also be someone I see every day but don't have much interaction.

Yeah, I may be an over-positive person.
I always look at the positive side of a person, believing that every person has a Buddha inside the heart. I try to put myself in their shoes, thinking from their point of view, considering their circumstances. (Sometimes I wonder, is this considered as helping them to find an excuse for some "unacceptable" behaviour? ("Unacceptable" is "" because everyone's interpretation of unacceptable is different. What I think is unacceptable may be acceptable to others) )

But then, people always ask:
Why are you so 慢热? (which means slow to warm up to people)
Why are you so positive and trusting?

DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THAT THIS TWO IS A CONTRADICTING BEHAVIOUR??!!!!
HOW CAN I BE VERY AMIABLE AND SOCIABLE WHILE BEING CAUTIOUS ABOUT PEOPLE AND ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT THE NEGATIVE SIDE OF PEOPLE??!!!
ISN'T THIS CALLED A PRETENTIOUS PEOPLE??

Well, I know I also a contradictory person, being positive and trusting, yet slow to warm up to people. But then, this is because I know that we can't be friends with everyone. Humans are meant to be made up of many, many, many circles of people who can connect with each other. Why should I force myself to be so many versions of me just to fit in every circle??!!!

For me, I'm more comfortable of being a positive and trusting yet 慢热 person.
Instead of being a pretentious person, acting friendly to everyone but in the mind, keep thinking bad about everyone. Life is already so hard, why make it harder for yourself by having all those negative thoughts in your mind????

By the way, where can I find a job where everyone is just concentrating about how to make the organisation better or how to improve work flow? I'm fed up of working where people are calculative of any extra work load. (YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE UP EXTRA WORK LOAD, BUT THEN WHEN SOMEONE IS WILLING TO DO IT AND THE BOSS IS WILLING TO GIVE MORE RESPONSIBILITY TO THIS PERSON, YOU FEEL JEALOUS AND SAY THAT THE BOSS IS PRACTISING FAVOURITISM!!!)
I'm thinking, is working in an NGO will have lesser chance of meeting such people?

DeeJay thinks it's really time to change job...