I'm here again! Guess I'm going to revive this blog after 4 years of not posting! π
Today is the first day of my second long annual leave in 2024 (this time is 2 weeks, 3 days more than the first one). As with the first one (trip to Redang), I'm determined not to answer anything, although I might still read my emails. I'll be a bystander, secretly observing how my colleagues are going to handle ERP issues without me. π It's about time that they learn to find out the answers themselves, instead of just forwarding the issues to me... After this holiday, not sure when will be the next one, as we'll soon enter into indefinite 'war' with year-end closing, so I have to let myself rest before the war (but it's always hard to warm up my engine after that π).
There're many things lining up to do: learning Japanese for my exam (δΈ΄ζΆζ±δ½θ), planning for few days of excursion with my parents, applying for new job position (same dept but addition of more tasks in my Job Description), watching some movies, doing some crafts, house-cleaning...
But first thing first, the holiday must start with something enjoyable! Went swimming in the pool at my brother's condo. It's been very long since I swam, the last must be in Geneva in June 2023. Redang doesn't count, as I was snorkeling and had the gear to aid breathing. I've lost touch on how to control my breathe rhythm, and have to re-learn it. After few trials, I managed to develop a more comfortable rhythm (but still not relaxed enough), although I'm not sure is this the same one that I used when swimming in the Olympic-sized swimming pool during my university days. I need to start swimming frequently. After my swimming buddy went back to Penang, I've not swam much anymore.
I like swimming although I'm not very good at it (easily panic and cannot complete the distance that I desire). It's sort of like a type of meditation - have to be relaxed, counting the rhythm steadily, not thinking too much of reaching the goal (the other side of the pool), not letting the mind wander too far or it'll mess up the rhythm. Inside the water, everything is so peaceful and quiet. You can see the rays of sunlight, bubbles floating up, and the mosaic pattern at bottom of the pool. I remember an instance when I was swimming in my university's pool, the sky was approaching dusk and I have gotten acclimated to being in the water like a fish (I believe after warming up for few hours), I could easily dive to the bottom of the pool and pick up the dry leaves under it. It was a fun task that I gave to myself. In the pool today, I see small rainbows reflecting on the black mosaic bottom of the pool with rippling effect, it looks a lot like the shiny inner-side of an oyster shell. If only my normal vision is as good as the vision through refraction. π
In Lac LΓ©man, I chose a place further from people to swim, and got few small cuts on my feet as the rocks are sharp. Not far, there's an area which is surrounded by wooden planks to form a circular enclosed area, so that people can swim in the pool safely, without going too far into the lake or being pushed by the waves towards the rocky shore. I imagine that there are wooden planks as platform at the bottom too, so that people won't get cut by the rocks, but still I didn't want to be within the crowd.
Watching "The Remarkable Life of Ibelin", I realised that besides work, I need to go out and interact with people more. Building meaningful social connection can make life more enjoyable and meaningful. But also I can't open up easily to people. Like when I was in Redang, I didn't dare to openly read my Japanese book, fearing of attracting attention and people asking me to speak some Japanese. π I know I don't need to mind so much, as we were just together for a week, and will probably won't meet anymore, but it's hard for me to expose myself to someone.
I think I just discover the root of this problem, while writing this post. Sometimes I prefer not to tell too much, because of fear of being probed, and I can't make myself lie if there's something that I don't feel like sharing. Too honest to lie for my own good. π
But again, why are there things that I don't feel like sharing? I guess we do not allow just anyone to enter our more intimate circle, unless we like that person and we trust that that person will not cause harm to us (like judging or gossiping to others).
I feel it's kind of same like Ibelin, it's hard for him to expose his vulnerability to his online friends. (This is his blog - https://musingslif.blogspot.com/, which is forever frozen in time in the web now. It must be hard for him to type the blog letter by letter.)
But now, unlike my past self, I don't feel low self-esteem anymore even though I can't blend in. I just let the conversation flow around me, with my small, dense bubble intact. Even if there are only few people whom I can talk with without that bubble, and even if the number is only increasing very slowly (if even at all), I'm very contented now. This reminds me to ask my friends out more for gathering and hiking, to keep the bond. Or maybe I'm just not in the correct circle, if I change job to pursue my passion, perhaps I'll meet more people in the same frequency? But the people in current organisation is also good, at least many of them are kind and have humanitarian heart, although I feel that the higher position ones are kind of disconnected from field humanitarian work.
Having new connections with younger people also makes me feel younger. When interacting with the 2000s Gen Z during Redang trip, I can feel their energy of not being afraid to be themselves. Their unapologetic manner of being kind to themselves (still being kind to others) inspire me. E.g., one person can openly say that her social battery is low and she needs to be by herself to recharge. Interacting with people from different generations can bring new perspectives.
Well, when can I have a special meaningful connection with a guy if I don't go out of my comfort zone and broaden my social circle? π
