A friend once wished for me to be alone (not lonely) forever, without being married and having children. I know this is not an ill-wish, and I don't feel offended at all. I just have been curious, what does he see in me that made him wish that? Is it because of his own life experience and he sees something in me that's similar to him, and he knows I would be more suitable to live life alone?
But I have always know this. I know I enjoy being alone and I can find my own happiness from doing things that I like and just following my instinct. But sometimes, it's common for human to yearn for things that they don't have, so I also wonder, will I be happy also with a married life (provided it's a happy one)?
Today I went for Japanese N2 test. At first I was very adamant on going there by myself. It will feel like a small ceremony for me, to take on the MRT, doing some revision in the MRT, and walking to the Confucius school where the exam will take place. By then, I would have prepared myself to face it, no matter whether I pass or fail. (I'm prepared to fail, since I even have problem doing the mock questions. If I pass, it will be a very lucky, near-to-passing-marks kind of pass.)
But as always, my ever so 'protective' parents want to follow and send me to the examination hall. Some might say I'm not an appreciative child. But I have been constantly battling within myself, between the yearn of being treated as an independent adult, being allowed to go out by myself and given the trust that I have the capacity to overcome whatever danger I might face; versus the feeling of guilt of not giving the chance for my parents to participate in my life, and sometimes gaslighting myself, telling myself that I will miss this moment in future.
I don't like this feeling at all. Why must I cause guilt to myself and accept something that I know I will often look back and regret, and as I'm not too good at hiding my feelings in front of close people, my negative emotions will spill and might hurt people near me. Example today, if everything goes right, I would be going to the exam by MRT, took the exam, then happily go window-shopping with my family to celebrate whatever results it might be. But instead, I felt bad in the morning for being transported around like a child, then felt a little bad for not doing so well in the exam (it's my bad for doing last-minute preparation as usual, but it isn't so bad because I can always retake the exam), then had no mood to go shopping and lunch.
How nice if I am given that nice trust by my family to do whatever I want. How I envy my friends who can go out of house whenever & wherever they want. Even me going to Seremban to visit my friends were also being stopped by my parents for few times, and sometimes due to guilt (of not spending time with them), I give in; but other times I fight through my own self-inflicted guilt to do what I really want.
Why can't my parents just refrain their 'clinginess' and just understand that their child is adult enough (in fact, 30 plus!!!) to lead their own life? With me being happy doing my 'loner' stuffs, then only I can happily spend some quality time with them, without spilling out my negative emotions. Perhaps my 'loner' time is the time for me to relax and dissipate any negative emotion, to ensure that the cup is left with more positivity when others look into it.
Today is the first time that I actually search for the meaning of 'loner'. Google says that it means a person that prefers not to associate with others; someone who prefers being alone to spending time with other people. I feel that these definitions totally match my state of mind. Even in the turtle conservation program, I don't mind just sitting and observing people, without being involved in their conversation. Perhaps being in a jungle treehouse, monitoring tigers would be a suitable occupation for me.
I even discover that there's a song called "Happy Loner" sang by Marina. There's also a Korean two-episode drama called "The Happy Loner", about an individualist, who avoids relationships with others, meeting another person who can't live without having relationships. I shall watch it someday. It must be a great contrast, and although a love story is nice, in reality, I think relationship with opposite personalities might not last long.
To end with a happy note, I managed to tell how I feel to my mum (through Whatsapp message 😅), about me needing my personal time alone to recharge and then only I have the energy to engage socially. Glad that I have the courage to express myself, sometimes it's hard to tell our real feelings to our closest people.
Ok, off to do some exercise, as I think this lack of exercising recently also affects my mood and mind.
2 weeks of holidays ended now. It's time to buckle up and be committed, proactive and positive in facing work challenges!! 💪(Hope this pep talk works in tricking my mind to propel forward until finishing year-end closing, and hope I'll have some changes in my life next year!)
(Written on 2-Dec-2024, but I had published and retracted the post back and forth, because I'm not sure if anyone would be interested to read this, and also I was not ready to share intimate and vulnerable side of me. Reading again on 1-Jan-2025, I felt, "Who cares?! I do what I want and it's just a record of my life." Besides, not many people know this blog of mine. So now it's published publicly!)
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